Made-Up Neighborhood Forms Halloween Candy Review Board, Classifies Raisins as "a Hostile Act"

Birchwood Hollow, a cul-de-sac neighborhood that exists only in this sentence, announced Friday that a new five-member Candy Review Board will inspect and grade every porch on Halloween night.

"For too long, this community has accepted whatever lands in the pillowcase," said board chair Gary Fudgeworth, a fictional father of three who owns a clipboard for this exact purpose. "Those days are over. Tomorrow night, we take notes."

Under the board's new rubric, homes handing out full-size candy bars earn a gold star on their mailbox. Fun-size bars earn a polite nod. Homes offering a single wrapped mint from a bowl near the door will be listed in the neighborhood newsletter under "Areas of Concern."

Boxed raisins were placed in a category of their own. "We are not saying raisins are illegal," Fudgeworth said. "We are saying they are a hostile act, and the board will remember."

Toothbrushes were reviewed separately and ruled "technically thoughtful, emotionally devastating."

Not every resident is on board. Marjorie Pell, a made-up retiree who has handed out the same brand of peanut butter taffy since 1994, called the rubric "an attack on tradition and my dental work." She has requested a hearing, which the board scheduled for Nov. 1, when everyone will be too full to care.

The board's first official ratings are due by 9 p.m. Saturday, pending a sugar-related delay.