Fictional HOA Bans Leaf Piles Shorter Than Three Inches, Citing "Insufficient Crunch"

The architectural review committee of Maplecrest Estates, a homeowners association that does not exist, voted 5 to 2 on Tuesday to outlaw autumn leaf piles measuring under three inches deep.

"A skim coat of leaves is decorative fraud," said board chair Linda G. Rakewell, an invented neighbor with strong feelings about mulch. "Residents deserve a proper crunch. Anything less is a sidewalk suggestion, not a pile."

The new rule requires every front yard to maintain at least one certified leaf mound between Oct. 15 and the first measurable snow, with weekly depth checks by a volunteer holding a ruler and a thermos. Fines start at $25 for "anemic foliage" and climb to $100 for "suspiciously raked-looking lawns."

Two residents, also fictional, filed a minority report arguing that wind is an act of God and should not be metered. The board tabled that complaint until someone invents a leaf that stays put.

Enforcement begins this weekend. Bring your own ruler. The association will not share.