Fictional Clown Union Demands Bigger Shoes, Threatens to Honk

Members of the Amalgamated Brotherhood of Professional Clowns, a union that does not exist, walked off the job Thursday in a dispute over footwear.

"Our shoes used to be size 38," said Bingo P. Wobbles, an invented union spokesclown. "Now management hands us size 34. You can practically walk in them. It's humiliating."

The union's demands include shoes that enter a room a full four seconds before the clown does, unlimited seltzer, and a guaranteed minimum of nineteen clowns per compact car.

Management at Big Top Holdings, also fictional, responded by offering slightly larger red noses, which the union rejected as "a squeaky distraction."

Negotiators say talks will resume once someone figures out how to get everyone out of the car.